I grew up hearing the words "Number one??"
What's wrong with being number two? Three? Four, five and so on for that matter? Although of course as a child, I never questioned this to the adults who fed my siblings and I with constant pressure.
Starting out in my school age, I was never really the studious type until the time came when we were started to be asked, how are your grades in school? "Good" or "fine" would always be the default answers. Progressing into my elementary years, the need to be in the top five of the class became a priority for me.
The pressure was always there. When my siblings and I were asked a question, we learned that saying "I don't know" would get us scolded. When we were asked a question, we HAD to know the answer. This is the time when we came up with several euphemisms for the words "I don't know."
"I'm not sure but..."
"Someone said that..."
[insert a lie here]
Elementary graduation eventually become a huge let down for me.
I hated it, feeling like I let a lot of people down since I didn't win anything. In my high school years, the nerd in me came back with a vengeance. Always in the top 3 of the class, top 5 of the batch. I stayed within those boundaries but it was never enough. It never really seemed to be for me. Although it may seem like it, I'm not bragging.
Graduation. I graduated fourth in the batch and I wrote the graduation song. I felt elated, feeling like I achieved something worthwhile.
Well.
Little did I know that the person I was back then would totally change in college. Little did I know that with all my years in school, I would only realize at this point that awards don't mean everything. Being a student is not as worthwhile if the parameter by which to say how good a student is, is by the number of awards, achievements and recognitions he or she receives. Studying is not as worthwhile if you're not excited to gain new knowledge. Why? Fear, pressure, laziness, what have you.
I realized that I have never really liked studying. I hated it. I preferred learning from the teachers who are actually passionate in teaching students lessons not limited to the book. I loved learning about other people, not only about their lives but about their journeys through life. I loved escaping to books which are the vessel for which human nature is understood; music without which this world would be deafened by the silence of well... nothing. Art which feeds the eyes, the heart, the soul.
Basically what I'm saying is that, I wish I had a better perception towards school and grades. The pressure that clung to my neck was too much that I constantly worry, crack under pressure and let my anxieties get to me. I hated this. I resolve to stop this attitude before the pressure ignites the anxious monster within me yet again.
It's okay to fail. It's okay to feel lazy. It's okay to cry tears of frustration in chancing upon a question that required very deep thought and analysis to get the only acceptable answer that you wouldn't otherwise get in reviewing 200++ pages of the Labor Code. It's okay to cry tears of anger in not channeling my thought prowess (should I have any) in answering said question.
It's okay. We're students. We're humans. We're not mere minorities upon whose throats they'd all love to shove their ideas into. No.
I miss being able to read something and being excited at the prospect of learning something new. I miss being able to study without the anxiety of whether or not I pass. Wait, when in my life were these circumstances ever applicable? That's the thing. I am a student constantly riddled by pressures of the academe and the wrong principles with which I was equipped to face the "real world".
Reading and studying in the wee hours of night can burst into flames along with the midnight oil I burn in reviewing books and notes so late.
"I don't like studying. I hate studying. I like learning. Learning is beautiful."
Natalie Portman
The very quote that altered my perception toward education.
