The other day, I went shopping. I don't know what happened, because normally I wouldn't (or rather shouldn't) spend more than Php 700 when I shop. Because it disrupts the balance of my budget. I hate it.
Like when I eat out instead of bringing lunch to work, take a cab instead of commuting when I'm running late, and for that matter, waking up late, which was preceded by a night of working and tons of procrastinating on articles and other side projects and whatnot.
It's all so chaotic and jumbled up, this life of chasing dreams.
I feel guilty when I spend money on things I know aren't absolutely necessary. I feel guilty when I spend on want instead of need. I feel guilty and stupid when I miss deadlines.
I'm trying to save because I have dreams of traveling, going back to school, buying a bike so I won't have to commute, going to recreational classes. On top of that, I have bills to pay and adult responsibilities to do.
Just for the record, I'm not broke or financially crippled. It's really just that. Saving money to go after my dreams, and also doing the bare minimum -- little steps to go after those goals and accomplishing short term goals.
It's pure economics. Every decision I make is a step toward or away from the dreams I want to pursue. In writing this may sound admirable. But it's such a hard life. The process is painful, slow, and sometimes I hardly feel like I'm making progress. Because I can be terribly lazy, broke, or too busy. Simultaneously at times which is such a difficult thing to be.
There's also the thought that everyday I want to do something different, something that can either scare or amaze me. Given that I always think I'm too swamped with things to do, I hardly ever give this everyday mini project a thought. I really wish I could. If I could just slow down...
Because really, it's never enough to just think about how you want your life to pan out. You plan it and you go do it. That's such an empowering and terrifying thought. Isn't it?
